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Its weird. Its wednesday today and on Saturday I leave Moyo for good. Ten months have passed since I left for Peru. Now, when I face the trials of leaving my new home, I confront felings that are very familiar. Whether I was prepared or not last weekend kicked off the farewell tour. My last Sunday at Lluyllucucha presbyterian church. My last visit to the Sulfur Baths. The last time I will see my cycling group friends. Im actually not a big ´last ___ ´guy. When everyone proclaimed ¨Last first day of classes¨ I just shrugged. Its still school.
To summarize my feeling of saying goodbye though I want to point to a previous blog post I wrote last May. Lots of what I feel now match how I felt after graduation (although maybe watered down a bit.) Check it out here:
In these last few days Ive been wrestling with a question that Ive been asking myself since I first got to Moyobamba,
The answer is complicated and Ive addressed it in personal writing several times for months now.
¨Why did I choose to leave home?¨
The answer is complicated and Ive addressed it in personal writing several times for months now.
First it has to do with the desire to leave home. I wasnt done traveling the world and this was my decision to leave home far behind. I wanted to see who I was without my safety net I grew up with. Some of that fervor for traveling is fueled by jealousy of my wealthier peers who vacation abroad like its normal and part of it is the understanding I will not have a chance in my life to do something like this ever again. Ive found the experience to be more valuable than a semester abroad or an extended backpacking trip.
I also knew I needed to mature. Lets be honest I knew next to nothing about social, political, economic, racial issues. I only read what Buzzfeed wrote out in a list. I think we can all agree Buzzfeed is not really a news source. I did not have opinions on much of anything that was not related to movies or tv shows or books or video games. Its not that I wanted to be this way I was just in a different context that did not always require such presence of mind. I also had a bad habit of apathy. I recognized all these things and decided I needed to change on a fundamental level. From prior experience nothing changes you more than leaving your country. I decided that, in order to evoke the change I desired, I should submit myself to the crucible of living abroad.
In order to defeat apathy I needed to practice empathy and what better way to do so than work as a volunteer. By dedicating myself to a cause I was unfamiliar with I would become familiar with processes of applied empathy that would change my world outlook. I learned about the work involved for advocacy. If I was gonna leave my country and try to grow as a person let it be in the service of others. Jesus transformed others by caring for them. He set the standard.
Lastly I found myself yearning for church. In college I took a dedicated break. My religious curiosity, while subdued, grew as I slept in on Sundays. Now, let me be clear: I needed the break. I was right by realizing my high school faith was irregular. ´Church Camp Faith´I liked to call it. I see now theres nothing wrong with that. I just personally craved for more interaction. That meant getting back into the Presbyterian Church (USA) and by doing so from an international perspective. I grew my faith while engaging with other parts of the Presbyterian church in Peru as well as understanding just what exactly is this international church Im a tiny part of.
So why do I keep asking myself this question?
I also knew I needed to mature. Lets be honest I knew next to nothing about social, political, economic, racial issues. I only read what Buzzfeed wrote out in a list. I think we can all agree Buzzfeed is not really a news source. I did not have opinions on much of anything that was not related to movies or tv shows or books or video games. Its not that I wanted to be this way I was just in a different context that did not always require such presence of mind. I also had a bad habit of apathy. I recognized all these things and decided I needed to change on a fundamental level. From prior experience nothing changes you more than leaving your country. I decided that, in order to evoke the change I desired, I should submit myself to the crucible of living abroad.
In order to defeat apathy I needed to practice empathy and what better way to do so than work as a volunteer. By dedicating myself to a cause I was unfamiliar with I would become familiar with processes of applied empathy that would change my world outlook. I learned about the work involved for advocacy. If I was gonna leave my country and try to grow as a person let it be in the service of others. Jesus transformed others by caring for them. He set the standard.
Lastly I found myself yearning for church. In college I took a dedicated break. My religious curiosity, while subdued, grew as I slept in on Sundays. Now, let me be clear: I needed the break. I was right by realizing my high school faith was irregular. ´Church Camp Faith´I liked to call it. I see now theres nothing wrong with that. I just personally craved for more interaction. That meant getting back into the Presbyterian Church (USA) and by doing so from an international perspective. I grew my faith while engaging with other parts of the Presbyterian church in Peru as well as understanding just what exactly is this international church Im a tiny part of.
So why do I keep asking myself this question?
Because they are the goals I wanted to accomplish. Admittedly they are rather abstract goals: grow up, become politically conscious, grow in your faith, learn who you are when you are way far away from home. Broken down into concrete actions though I feel successful. I read the news daily (from multiple sources.) I found things that I care about. I discovered my opinions on topics Im more than happy to discuss. I pray every night (or morning if its been a cazy day.) I have to say, my wanderlust has significantly decreased since coming to Peru. I know now that if I left home I do have the skills and personality to make friends, find a job, learn to live with others, and eventually thrive away from my safety net. Knowing Ive accomplished the many things I set out to do makes saying goodbye easier.
People often joke Im going to find a Peruvian bride in the last two days here and stay. To which I disagree vehemently. Its all in good fun, but the reality is Ive accomplished what I set out to do and thats more than enough for me. Its still hard to say ´adios´ to everyone. My host mother tears up when I mention leaving and I get a little misty-eyed from time to time.
People often joke Im going to find a Peruvian bride in the last two days here and stay. To which I disagree vehemently. Its all in good fun, but the reality is Ive accomplished what I set out to do and thats more than enough for me. Its still hard to say ´adios´ to everyone. My host mother tears up when I mention leaving and I get a little misty-eyed from time to time.
I dont know when Ill be back in Moyobamba, Its a little unnerving and Im not the first volunteer to have mixed feelings about leaving. I love this town and I love the people in it. They have shown me a different way of life. I also miss my home, my family, my friends. There are people back in Texas waiting patiently for my return. I also have a few more adventures left before I go home.
Ive started packing my bag early to help me get in the mentality of leaving. Still, all of this retrospection can only mitigate the incredible amount of feelings I have. Yeah, I have two more months to go, but those months are filled with new adventures. I can not wait for those adventuress sure, but I will always hold Moyobamba in my heart.
Para todos mis amig@s Peruan@s gracias por acompañarme en este aventura. Ha sido increïble y estaré pensando en como va a ser por muchos años despues. Espero que no me olviden y que nos vemos mas tarde- Recuerda - siempre estas bienvenida en Texas! Gracias. Nos vemos pronto.
- Daniel Pappas -
Ive started packing my bag early to help me get in the mentality of leaving. Still, all of this retrospection can only mitigate the incredible amount of feelings I have. Yeah, I have two more months to go, but those months are filled with new adventures. I can not wait for those adventuress sure, but I will always hold Moyobamba in my heart.
Para todos mis amig@s Peruan@s gracias por acompañarme en este aventura. Ha sido increïble y estaré pensando en como va a ser por muchos años despues. Espero que no me olviden y que nos vemos mas tarde- Recuerda - siempre estas bienvenida en Texas! Gracias. Nos vemos pronto.
- Daniel Pappas -
Your stories were good to read! It was even better to meet you and have a new friend! Wish you all the best during your goodbye. And enjoy your trip around South America!
ReplyDeleteWe'll meet again...some day!