Au Revoir (Sort Of)

If you asked a twelve year old Daniel where he saw himself ten years from now the odds are really good he'd say something like: "On a dig in the Yucatan Peninsula searching for a lost civilization." He never imagined studying film, traveling all over the world, working for the church, or spending a year abroad. He likely never imagined playing ultimate frisbee or lifting weights or speaking Spanish fluently or starting his own freelance life. He didn't know what a boom pole was or how to conjugate a verb in the present progressive. Twelve year old Daniel never predicted any of those things, and yet here I am.

I've been journaling my life since I was twelve years old. I like pulling them out and reflecting on a moment I'd forgotten or laughing about some horrible breakup I never thought I'd survive. It gives me some much-needed perspective when I'm struggling or when I'm succeeding. I just read some entries from September 2016 up until now.

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My first year back from Peru proved... messy. I returned home. No car. No job. No idea what to do with myself. While I had been living in Peru my friends all went and got jobs and turned into working professionals. I had to start my career over right when I landed. You know what I did?

I waited tables. I needed to make cash. All the serving staff apparently got along well. I spent roughly eight months from December 2016 to August 2017 taking orders, spilling drinks, and flirting my way to better tips. Nothing to do with film...

Then came Puppet Master.

A feature film. Paid. Real actors. Real special effects. A real hierarchy. In a sense it changed my direction. I mean, sure, I'd worked some student sets and some minor pro sets but this was the real deal. The Big Leagues. The film went well! I succeeded in my job as a Boom Op. I busted my butt. I worked through the messy bits and I made some new friends who would be long-lasting friends.

After the long break from film it felt good to be professionally competent when the time came. I also may have shot myself in the foot by admitting this out loud but I've already shot myself in the foot before so what's one more confession?

In time I landed a much better paying job working for Grace Presbytery. That job felt like a complete 180 from waiting tables. I freelanced some, but the steady income helped me get back on my feet. I met some of the friendliest people and learned quite a bit about how Presbyterians function. I witnessed enough. That job proved most beneficial to my life and as such I worked hard to prove myself time and time again. I didn't always succeed and yes, sometimes I didn't do my job well.

I made a lot of mistakes. Some set me back and some only taught me meaningful lessons.

The story goes on from there until now. What am I doing now? I'm working as a freelancer in the film industry in Dallas. I traveled to Thailand to shoot interviews for the Christian Volunteers in Thailand program. That was a real dream come true: travel internationally and shoot movies. I'm editing now. I've edited some other projects (once or twice at a local news channel) and plan on shooting more. I'm not fully in the sound world. I want to be, but I'm not quite there. I don't know enough. I don't practice enough. But you know what?

Two years ago I didn't even have a job. I just had a plucky attitude and a strong work ethic. No cash. No assets. No connections.

I'm not where I want to be technically, but I'm a whole helluva lot closer than I was two years ago. Yes freelancing scares me from time to time because I never quite feel like I have it all together, but it's that same fear that keeps me motivated. I work hard. I study. I practice. I do what it takes to keep going. Hopefully that mentality can carry me to where I want to be.

A glimpse of my dream: I'd kill to sell an original screenplay of mine. I don't even care if I make little money. I want to say I sold my own idea (I'm sitting on a fun teen horror movie I'm polishing up now.) I'd kill to have my own Boom Kit and to be well connected that I can work at least one sound gig a month. Hell, I'd love to have better cameras and to know lights more and to feel like part of the 'in-crowd' with some of the major production companies around here.

Am I there yet? Definitely not. But when I think about how far I've come in so little a time I relax. I'm lucky I'm not still in that noble profession of waiting tables. I haven't been back to that restaurant since I left. I recognize that I made a lot of mistakes since coming back. I've made mistakes that directly impacted my career and made me realize how foolish I'd been. Plenty of young, egotistical mistakes. But I'm here now and I'm just glad I got this far. 2017 year Daniel didn't think he had it in him.

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You're reading this and I don't have much more to add. The title of this piece says Au Revoir (sort of.) I've stepped off the gas writing a blog for several reasons.

1. Nobody really needs one more slightly liberal white male cishet middle class guy complaining online. The last three years of internet time have shown me that my voice, while valuable to my family and friends, does not add much to the larger atmosphere. In fact it's rather redundant to say all the things I have to say. I thought I was writing for a larger crowd, but the reality is much simpler. Only people who know me read what I write.

2. Writing on the internet has gotten me in trouble before. I didn't intend it to, but I made the mistake of saying the wrong things on the internet where someone could read them. That carried consequences. I eased off the gas when it comes to blog writing because all the things I'm saying are potential ammunition. I truly regret saying some just sophomoric dumb things online and ruining a prosperous relationship. Plus, if you look at the internet there's a new trend where VERY VERY old publications get wielded against the author (just look at James Gunn) and as much as I love venting online I've realized it's not productive and potentially very harmful for me. So I'm stepping off.

3. I write in a journal. If I really need to pontificate there's a much more confidential medium for me to ponder. No point foisting the din of my thought process on others. Write and edit. Write and edit.

4. I wanna be writing more fictional stuff. Blogs do not challenge me and fiction is my dream. Why not practice what I preach?

So, there you have it. I'm stepping off. I don't plan on blogging again anytime soon (I haven't in quite some time.) If you'd like to talk more about stuff then come and find me. We can chat. One-on-one. I love those conversations. Thank you all for your attention and for your readership. Here's to a soft farewell! Here's to hoping I don't write again or find a need to blog again.

Cheers all, 

Daniel



P.S. Here's a cool article explaining what I was doing in Thailand:
https://www.presbyterianmission.org/story/using-his-talents-to-serve-the-church-is-a-dream-come-true/